First Post

 Hello, Charlie here.

I read something online, or dreamed that I had done so, saying that I should write stuff. Hopefully I can keep up with this and write a bit every day. Today is the Tuesday the 28th of December 2021. It's a bit of a random day to start, maybe New Year's Day would've been a better beginning but I have plenty of free time so I figure I might as well just get on with this.

A few months ago I stopped taking my medication. I didn't think this was an especially big deal since it seemed to have little effect though nearer to the start of the term it seemed as though I was studying more and now I study very little. It's difficult to say for sure if I was actually studying enough then or if the medication had any related effect. Regardless I am undecided about whether I will start taking the meds again any time soon. As I said I have noticed very little difference, in both mood and behaviour, overall. I feel as though inhibiting serotonin (which is what the meds do) can't be the solution for me. I know I feel happier with more serotonin so why would inhibiting it be good for me? I'm not a doctor though so I'm probably wrong. The reason I stopped was so that I could take a certain serotonin based drug.

If I were completely sensible then perhaps I would try to avoid drugs however I really don't want to do so. I enjoy them and frankly my life is completely boring at the moment and I can't think of anything better I could be doing. It's true that there are more productive ways I could be spending my time (specifically either looking for work or studying for uni) however I can't see much point in trying to be productive if I'm miserable while doing so. Of course most would say that delayed gratification is important. My mother certainly thinks that it would be better for me to endure for now and study in order to get qualifications. I just think that the rest of my life is looking to be pretty awful if I continue on my current path, qualifications or no. Working an office job will see me shackled for the rest of my life, the same goes for any kind of salaried job. There's no way that by working a normal career, even a fairly well paid one like a programmer, I could ever hope to escape from work and the social interaction that entails.

Obviously that begs the question of what alternatives there are available to me. Homelessness doesn't seem like an especially good option and would probably result in my untimely death, likely by my own hand if things got particularly dire. Then there would be living with a partner who works. This seems obviously unfair on them but I suppose it's possible that some, or perhaps many, people actually want to work and even provide. So supposing I can find a partner who is willing to put up with me I would certainly be okay with doing some freelance programming from home if we could between us find clients. The reason I don't want to work as a programmer for myself is, as I have mentioned, the problem of social interaction. With salaried programming I would be in an office surrounded by people. Even working from home I would have to talk with colleagues, managers, clients and more. Working freelance would eliminate all but the clients and interaction with clients would, hopefully, be fairly minimal. Simply gather requirements and, later, feedback. The reason I wouldn't do this as a career is the networking. Since I'm trying to avoid social interaction I would have great trouble finding enough work to support myself were I to go it alone. On the other hand with a partner they could do the networking and I could be the code goblin, beavering away without having to mingle with the business world. I think I would be perfectly happy taking on whatever work they could find so long as I wouldn't be forced into any social situations.

I hope that one day I will be able to have friends again. It seems necessary for wellbeing if the outside world is to be believed. Unfortunately I'm sure that there would have to be a lot of trial and error to find them. This is yet another reason I am not particularly optimistic about my future. I really want to put in the minimum effort possible at this time. As for everyone there are some activities which don't feel like work for me. Programming is certainly one of them. Socialising has been too though it gets more and more difficult outside of one-on-one situations which I imagine have always been easiest for me. That said I used to have no trouble even in group situations. It would be a dream to have that confidence back and, indeed, with alcohol or other disinhibitors I'm sure I could in the right environment. But that is exactly my issue, the environment which would be necessary is difficult to attain. Crowded environments such as bars or parties are absolutely out of the question. Even a normal house could pose an issue with pedestrians walking by outside. It really seems hopeless.

I don't hate being alive and do not plan to off myself just yet however I really do feel as though living has become rather too much effort for my liking and even if I did muster that effort and direct it to improving my life it seems very likely that I would still be miserable. Not being able to be around public spaces is debilitating and will make meeting anyone new, let alone enough people to actually find someone who suits me and I them, near impossible. I'm not sure how I managed to luck out with meeting Celia, even if she ended up not being quite the right person for me, but I shouldn't think that it is likely to happen again soon. Then again maybe I'm being overly pessimistic. I will certainly try to put myself out there, though the pool of people around me likely to be rather limiting.

I'm going to treat myself to macaroni cheese for the second night in a row. I really shouldn't but it's so tasty and I haven't been having breakfast or lunch lately (though I have been snacking rather a lot). I should get myself into a better routine and eat more regularly but I keep accidentally sleeping through the days. If I could only be woken up by alarm clocks I would take short naps and probably feel better for it than I do having my current long, deep sleeps.

I haven't played many video games lately though I do wish to finish Death Stranding sometime soon after setting my computer up again (the dining table at which I have been using it was cleared for Christmas dinner).

I plan on discontinuing my meetings with Matt next year in retaliation for him letting Winnie know I stopped taking my medication. Obviously I should never had told him that in the first place but at least I know where we stand now. I might ask for his personal number though since he seems decently interesting to talk to. Perhaps he would be able to keep a secret if not bound by professionalism.

This Christmas was rather terrible, certainly the third or second worst of my life. I simply couldn't handle all the people, even though they were only my family. First a few days before the 25th Rebecca, Jenny, Andrew and Caroline all visited Fairway Cottage and I stupidly stayed in my room. I'm sure if I had come out and socialised a little I would've been better equipped to handle the following days. Since I slept in then stayed in bed drifting in and out of consciousness until everybody had left the only notable memory I have of that day was when Andrew asked Eoin's Alexa to make a farting noise. It did so but then continued to do so repeatedly even when given other commands. I'm not sure if this is a feature or a plugin but it was pretty funny overall.

On the 23rd Sylvie, Jenny and Rebecca came over to chop the vegetables for our Christmas dinner while Andrew took Eoin to the hospital. I couldn't cope with hearing their voices through the walls (not even attempting to leave my room and talk to them) so I decided to leave the house to go on a walk. Thankfully I brought my coat as it rained for most of my journey. I first started walking towards the woods where I would walk with Matt but came across a family walking in the same direction along a road which merged with the one I was walking down. To avoid them I turned down the road they had come from and away from my destination. With that route out I walked back towards the house and then continued further in that direction along the bypass. Eventually the pavement ended and I turned left down a small lane. I passed a decently large house and a couple of farms and eventually reached a crossroads where I learned that Bradford on Avon is in the opposite direction to where I had thought it was. After going straight through the crossroads I reached a busy road and as it was raining and I had come rather a long way I decided to turn back. On the way back as I passed the large house I noticed that their shed was dilapidated with several broken windows. In my somewhat manic state (energetic, I suppose, due to the thrill of actually leaving the house on my own) I had been talking to myself and seeing the broken windows inspired me to, fallaciously and briefly, rant about breaking into the shed by cover of night. I then noticed the owner of the house looking out onto the road. I walked away as briskly as I could, continuing to whisper to myself out loud. After I was out of earshot I continued talking to myself at a normal volume. I turned a corner to find myself walking towards another pedestrian who likely heard me talking to myself (which I continued to do quietly for a short while before getting fairly close at which point I stopped). As we passed one another he friendlily greeted me, saying "Alright?" and I, having recently started browsing a certain subreddit, replied with "Namaste". By the time I got back to the bypass I was giddy from the adventure. Perhaps if I had put up with the unease of socialising for a while I could've been boosted similarly by my family. Unfortunately I wasn't in the mood and though I briefly sat in the living room with the girls I quickly returned to my room and after seemingly communicating with Rebecca through the walls (with only my thoughts outgoing) for a short while I listened to music until they all left.

Christmas Eve was delightfully uneventful, just me and Eoin and a few beers if I remember correctly.

Then came Christmas Day. I really wanted to try and socialise so I hung out in the living room that morning after putting the turkey in the oven. Caroline and Graeme were the first to arrive and I quickly realised that I wasn't feeling up to it whatsoever. Specifically a lot of the things Graeme said were concurrent with my thoughts. Before anybody else even arrived I had retreated to my room, not to leave except to use the bathroom and to heat up my meal which Caroline brought for me later in the evening. I didn't open any presents with the others or see them open theirs. I didn't hand out my cards until the next day as everybody was leaving. I remained sober and I missed out on the various games that were played. I do feel as though I could've perhaps enjoyed the day somehow if I had done things differently but I still find synchronicity so disturbing that it was enough to put me off even trying. If it was affecting me so strongly before the majority of the guests had even arrived I didn't see how I was supposed to cope with it during group discussions featuring more than twice the people. That's not to say that my time in the bedroom was all peachy but I certainly believe that it was the safer option in terms of discomfort.

On Boxing Day Caroline brought some present through for me which I opened with her (I'm certainly looking forward to growing some mushrooms with the kit she got me). Later, while the others watched the latest James Bond film I printed my cards. Other than a brief excursion at lunch time to make a sandwich and receive presents from my French cousins I remained in my room until it was time for everybody to leave.

Since then I have been sleeping irregularly and rather too much and have been eating similarly. I'm not at all happy with how things went but it was certainly still much better than the awful Christmas a few years ago which I really hope will remain the worst in my life by the time I get around to reading this again.

So that's a snapshot of my life. From December 2021. I'm not certain that I will have much to write about tomorrow but it's possible I will think of something to ramble about for a page or so. In any case I have covered some of my general feelings about the present and future along with a summary of the recent past. Now I will put my laptop on charge and get on with this macaroni cheese I've been looking forward to.

Namaste.

Peace.

Bye.

\o